Born and raised in a deprived area on 1960’s Tyneside to a mother who didn’t want her, Carol spends her life searching for real love. She suffers serial abuse by her mother, siblings, a succession of boyfriends, husbands and even the establishment.

Serially abused by her estranged father from an early age Carol turns to alcohol, prescription drug overdose and self harm as a means of escape.

Struggling to recover from her addictions she shows a mix of dogged determination, humour and human frailty.

When, following a physical assault, she vows to end her life she suddenly realises taking that action would mean that all her abusers would win.

This realisation snaps her into a desperate struggle to quit her addictions before it is too late.

Taster follows.

“Shall I tell you the truth or shall I sit and lie?

You can’t understand why I want to die.

What’s here inside me, what’s here within

I want my life to end, you want it to begin.”

Carol Glass

I felt something cold and wet on my cheek. Instinctively I knew it was Candy telling me it was time to wake up. I pulled the duvet aside just enough to squint at the clock on the bedside table, the big red numbers said six-thirty five. Yes it was time to get up. I didn’t want to get up, in fact I never wanted to get up again, ever, I just wanted to slip into permanent hibernation and stick two fingers up to a world that was dangerous, cruel and very painful.

I closed my eyes again but Candy was not to be ignored. Her cold wet nose tunnelled into my ear.

“Ok you, I can take a hint.” I giggled as I pulled the duvet back and swung my feet into my slippers. “I suppose you’re hungry again.”

I shuffled into the kitchen and yawned as I pulled the cupboard door open.

“Oh, shite!” There was no dog food. I remembered now, I had meant to get some yesterday but could not bring myself to go out to the shops. I leaned over the sink and rubbed the condensation on the window, making rivulets of water slide down the glass, and peered outside. It was still raining, just as it had been when I’d gone to bed only now it was dark out there too. I love the night, I love the darkness that hides me away from the world. I hate daylight, that’s why I sleep in the daytime. Yes, I love the dark, I crave the dark, but not if I have to go outside in it.

This time I had no option, I couldn’t let Candy go hungry. I could go hungry, that was not a problem, but Candy relied on me to look after her. I must go to the late night shop. I shuffled back into the bedroom feeling the nervousness building inside me. I pulled my nightdress over my head and threw it onto the bed. My jeans and T shirt were lying on the floor where I had left them, well they were hardly going to pick themselves up I thought as I bent down slowly and grabbed them. The room was cold and I dressed as quickly as I could to retain as much of my body heat as possible. Twice I tripped over Candy, but all I could do was smile at her. I could never be angry with my Candy.

I pulled my coat on and wound a scarf round my neck to keep out the cold January night, lifted my purse from the kitchen worktop and opened it. Four pounds eighty six pence, all I had in the world until my social payment next week. It would be enough. I shoved the purse deep into my pocket, grabbed the dog lead from the kitchen worktop and nervously made my way to the front door. I opened it a crack and peered out; nothing. I clipped Candy’s lead on and slipped the security chain, stepped through the door and closed it gently behind me. I stood for a while; all I could hear was next door’s television playing the Emmerdale theme.

“C’mon Candy pet, let’s see about getting some food for yous, shall we?” I bent to ruffle her ear affectionately, she loved that, and we moved off.

The dim streetlights cast pools of light in a sea of darkness all the way down the road and I found myself hurrying along the uneven paving. The shop was only half a mile away so I would not be gone long. After a short while I saw somebody coming toward me and instinctively felt myself tense, I don’t like people, they hurt me as often as not. As the distance between us shortened the figure seemed to grow, it was a man, a man in a hoody top. I cast my eyes to the ground, if I could not see him perhaps I could convince myself he wasn’t really there.

Candy pulled on her lead as we passed, trying to sniff the scent of the passer by. I gave the lead a little tug. We had passed; my steps sped up slightly. I listened to see if he was walking away from me but he must have been wearing trainers because I could hear nothing.

“That’s a nice arse you’ve got, darlin’,” I heard from close behind me. “I wouldn’t mind givin’ that a squeeze.”

I turned my head anxiously and found myself staring straight into a pair of dark eyes. Embarrassed and frightened I dropped my gaze. I started to walk again, then felt him grab my arm. His grip was like a vice and I was wracked with a searing pain as he squeezed my wasted muscles against my bone, crushing delicate blood vessels. He pulled me round and his other hand roughly grabbed and rubbed my right buttock momentarily before squeezing it hard.

“Not so fast, darlin’,” he growled, “You’ve got a real nice arse, small and firm. Are your tits firm, darlin’?”

Desperately I tried to pull away from him but his grip tightened still more.

“Oh, Please, leave me alone.” I whimpered as I struggled to break his hold.

“Aw c’mon, darlin’ ya know ya like it. How about you an’ me havin’ a little bit o’ fun eh?”

“Fuck OFF, and leave me alone,” I screamed, my voice trembling with fear and I lashed out at him with my free arm catching him on the side of his head.

“You bitch.” He spat the words into my face. “You fuckin’ bitch.”

He slapped me hard across the face.

With all my might I aimed a kick at his crotch, just as Candy snarled and sunk her teeth into his shin.

“You fuckin’ bitch,” he roared again as he hammered his fist into the side of my face. I reeled and momentarily our eyes met just before his huge balled fist slammed into my right eye. I felt my skin tear and a warm trickle flowed into my eye. I received another hammer blow to my temple and as I sank to the ground his foot slammed into my face. A kaleidoscope of colours flashed inside my head and a metallic taste filled my mouth. The taste of blood, my blood; I had experienced that taste so many times in the past. I closed my eyes and everything went black.

I don’t know how long I was unconscious but I think it could only have been a few seconds. As the darkness slowly cleared from my eyes I found myself staring at the rough concrete paving splattered with my blood slowly mingling with the dirty rainwater. I rolled over onto my back and stared up into the black cloud laden sky. My face was numb and my right eye almost closed from the swelling around it that I could scarcely feel the raindrops. I turned toward the road and lifted myself onto my elbow as a searing pain shot through my torso.

“The bastard.” I croaked as I realised he must have landed a kick in my ribs as I lay there unconscious.

Candy was sitting on the pavement by my side and she inclined her head before giving me a lick on the face. My senses were beginning to return and I looked around anxiously, in case my vile attacker was still there, but the road was deserted. My panic began to rise and I vomited on the path. Now I had only one objective, to return home as quickly as I could, sod the dog food, Candy would understand. I stood up, grabbed Candy’s lead, and began a painful shuffle home. As I walked I felt the warm sensation of fresh blood as it trickled down my neck and once again I began to see coloured flashing lights in front of my eyes, just a few to begin with but gradually they multiplied until I could see nothing. I was walking from memory, my head began to swim and I felt increasingly dizzy. Gradually everything went black again and I felt myself falling – falling – falling.

Slowly I opened my left eye; my right eye wouldn’t open; and I found myself on my back staring at a white-tiled ceiling with bright fluorescent lights. Painfully I looked around me and saw the well known arrangement of electrical equipment, I felt the familiar firmness of the hospital couch, and knew I was in the accident and emergency department of the local hospital.

Again!

My whole body was a mass of pain and my wasted flesh was a mass of bruises.

I was desolate.

Would I never escape this cycle of pain and hurt? I turned my head to the wall and began to cry silently. I remember thinking that this was it; this was the last time; I could not take any more. I decided at that moment that I would end my life at the first opportunity. I would extinguish this life that had been so cruel to me and find peace at long last. What had I done to deserve a life like this? A life that had seen me beaten and abused right from that first doctor’s smack as I left my mother’s womb………